


How I Met Your Father, The Prequel

by Carmino (orphan_account)



Series: How I Met Your Father [1]
Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Based on How I Met Your Mother, Family, Fluff, M/M, POV First Person, Spideypool - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 05:51:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1028019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Carmino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The kids ask about how he met their father. Of course, Wade tells it all... and tells it truthfully.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How I Met Your Father, The Prequel

Kids, this is the story of how I met your father.

It all started back in the late seventies or early two thousands, give or take fifteen or thirty years, when I hijacked your Uncle Flash's car. I was a strapping young lad then, just fresh out of Weapon X and on top of the mercenary game. And there was your father, in the passenger seat of the car, a thin, weedy string bean. A _tough_ string bean, but thin and weedy nonetheless. When he bumped into me, trying to stop me, I was all like, “Outta the way, _nerd_!” And he was all like “Ooh, Deadpool, you're so handsome and strong! Take me now, my body is ready!” And then I was all like, “Hell no, _nerd_! I'm the insufferable _Deadpool_!” And I shoved his nerd face into the ground and threw him off the bridge.

What?

Don't give me that look!

Hey! Hey!

You can't really blame me. I didn't know that he was Spider-Man!

Well, okay, I _did_ kind of know, deep down inside somewhere.

That he was Spider-Man, I mean, and also my future husband, but you can never tell with things like that. You bump into a total stranger and he could be your soulmate, your dentist and-or your favorite superhero. You just never know, not even if you have the ability to break the fourth wall, 'cause otherwise, I totally wouldn't have done it. I would've just taken him out for dinner right then and there and saved all the trouble that came afterwards.

You see, kids, our story didn't end there. With me being a world-renown, kickass, hotshot of mercenary and your father being a small-town neighborhood friendly teenage superhero, our paths crossing was as probable as winning the New York Lottery, and believe me, I've been trying every day for the past thirty years and I haven't come _close_. Luckily, it only took about three more months before I met Spider-Man, the way cooler version of your father.

He was overjoyed to see me again. Obviously, he had to disguise his joy because secret identity smecret smidentity blah blah blah...

Anyway, long story short, I kicked ass and he helped. Then afterwards, he said to me, “Oh, sexy Deadpool, who I helped defeat a super villain and who definitely saved me. Me. You. Together.” And then he winked at me and asked for my autograph. It was great!

But, you know me, kids. I can't be swayed that easily. Your father was a hot piece of ass when he showed it off properly, I'll admit it, and he still is, but I was a globetrotter! I went everywhere – New York, Tokyo, Beijing, Moscow, Lithuania, Hogwarts, France, the Death Star, you name it, I've been there. I was a busy guy, I didn't have time for romance. So Spider-Man had to wait, and because your father _is_ Spider-Man, he had to wait as well.

Hey, heheh, your father's _Spider-Man_...

Just thinking about it makes me giddy!

You kids are so lucky... If only my father was Spider-Man, how cool would that be?!

You know what's cooler than having Spider-Man as your dad though? Having Spider-Man as your fucking husband, so I actually have it better than you kids. I know! Hard to imagine, right?

God, I hope Peter remembers to bring home condoms tonight. We're going to have rounds and rounds of sexy tiiiime-

Okay, okay, back to the story. Where was I?

So I just rejected your father a second time, was that it? Yes, that's what happened. I turned him down a second time. Don't get too sad, it happened a third time. And a fourth time. And a fifth time. And... Hold on, let me count... seven, eight, nine.... ten, twelve... twenty... twenty-six.... Okay, it happened a lot of times.

In hindsight, it was bad judgement considering all the time we could've spent together but didn't. Due to my bad judgement for rejecting him so much, that is.

But by the thirty-something-ith time, we might as well be seeing each other from _literally_ seeing each other so much. I mean, I could see him bathe three blocks away through my telescope 'cause he always forgot to shut the bathroom window. And don't get me started on how much he loved dancing naked around his living room. You'd think he was training to be a stripper. I definitely did.

By the way, I figured out that he was Spider-Man by the thirty-something-ith date- er- time, and by then I was digging him as Peter pretty hard. I remembered thinking to myself, “I like this kid. I like his spunk. I like his hair. I like his ass and abs as well as his body. And he just happens to be Spider-Man, someone who I also like! What a coincidence!”

So I went up to his apartment one night. I climbed through the bedroom window – because he usually forgets to lock that too – and I said to him, “Yo, baby, you up for some tacos and tangos?”

Just then a bunch of dinosaurs led by Doctor Octopus came out of nowhere and attacked us. Your father was like, “Save me, Deadpool!” which is what I did. I singlehandedly killed all the dinosaurs and sent Doctor Octopus flying. Your father's reaction? He was so overjoyed that he threw himself at me. We went to third base right then and there! Right on his bedroom floor!

A week later, we got married. He got a real job and I got more of my jobs killing people in random parts of Europe and Asia. Years later, we decided to become parents and adopted you guys.

Well, _I_ wanted to adopt you guys. Your father, on the other hand, was all like, “But Waaaaade, diaaaapers! Pooooop! How am I supposed to eat my burritos having to see the things in it coming out of babies' buttholes all daaaaay?” Haha, I know right? What a baby.

Me? I sucked it up and changed all your diapers, that's what I did.

...What?

Shit, he's right behind me?!

Oh, hi honey, welcome home! How was work?

I was just telling the kids how we met- AAAAAAHHH!!!

 


End file.
